Making lasting connections with people can be difficult, especially when we cultivate so many parasocial relationships through social media and end up neglecting the people we know in real life. This May, NPR published an article discussing the epidemic of loneliness in the U.S. It’s no surprise, in the wake of the COVID pandemic, that we’re feeling more disconnected than ever. I’ve talked to multiple people about how hard it can be to make and keep friends – but why?
If we’re all so lonely, it seems like finding connection shouldn’t be that hard. I think a lot of our issues boil down to not wanting to be vulnerable and risk finding out someone doesn’t actually want to be friends with us. We don’t want to come on too strong or look uncool. I’ve seen people give advice online saying, “If they don’t text you, don’t text them. If they wanted a connection, they would seek it.” This is terrible advice to apply universally. Sure, if they’re only responding when you respond and make no effort to maintain a relationship on their own, you should probably consider moving on. But if we’re all waiting for others to pursue connection, none of us will ever find it.
I think another reason why finding lasting connections is hard is because it can be hard work to support each other and to ask people to support us. We are expected to be independent. To not need each other, or to get our help solely from professionals that we pay to aid us instead of ever relying on each other. We aren’t meant to live life in relative solitude. And we know that, or we wouldn’t be seeking the connection of social media. A culture of independence is making us miserable.
The good news is, we don’t have to live this way. Other people are looking for better friendships too, so if we all implement the following five habits, we’ll be well on our way to lasting connections in no time.
Here are five ways you can be a better friend:
- Set reminders. Put it on your calendar to text people on their birthday and anniversary, after their job interview, when they graduate and on random days so they know you’re thinking about them. Mail them a card. Give them a call. Check in on them. Let them know that their presence in your life is significant.
- Find different ways to connect. Maybe texting and phone calls just aren’t cutting it. One of my favorite ways to show my friends that I’m thinking about them is by writing a letter. It can be something as simple as, “Hi, I was thinking about you. I hope you have a great day. I’m glad you exist.” You can decorate it with stickers or doodles, and include a favorite recipe, a friendship bracelet or small bag of tea if you’re feeling fancy. Another fun way to stay in touch even if you can’t physically be together is by playing multiplayer video games or watching movies together, using a service like Teleparty (formerly Netflix Party).
- You could also spend time together without actively “hanging out.” You could crochet, paint, cook or read together, even over video chat. I love spending time with my friends when we’re each doing our own thing. We enjoy each other’s company, but we don’t always have stuff to talk about or feel like chatting. That’s okay! Time like this is called “parallel play.” It’s a valuable and often overlooked way to connect with people.
- Ask for help when you need it, and offer help when you can. Chances are high that you’re willing to listen your friends and help them when they need it. Guess what? They probably want to be there for you too, but you have to let them. Ask for help when you need it. Tell them what’s going on and what is weighing you down. It’s okay to let other people in.
- Remember that everyone’s story is different, and everyone moves at their own pace. Remembering this will help you celebrate their wins with them and grieve their losses with them, without worrying about your own life. Then when a friend gets engaged before you, gets a job you would have loved or goes on a trip you envy, you can focus on being happy for them without overshadowing it by wishing it were you. It’s hard and it takes practice, but being happy for other people is much more fun than being jealous.
Good friends can be hard to come by, but it’s much easier to find good friends if you are a good friend.
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