How we want to be seen

I have recently considered learning to scuba dive. I’m about to start graduate school, will be located several hours from the coast and have little spare time on my hands, but I’ve still been floating the idea around in my head as something I’d like to pursue one day.

Unfortunately, I have a fear of any water that’s deeper than my knees, unless it’s a crystal clear pool. As much as I would like to overcome this fear by taking scuba diving lessons and getting experience in the incredible ocean, the idea of being in water with swimming critters is enough to make my knees shake. 

To help me feel more at-ease, I would want my instructor to understand that I’m not a fearful person by nature — I have many extreme sports on my bucket list, used to facilitate high ropes courses as part of my job and have an unusual fondness for snakes and alligators. I would want them to take this into consideration when teaching me how to scuba, because I don’t want them to think less of me for being scared of something they do every day. I want them to see me as a complex human who may be scared of scuba diving, but doesn’t let that fear define her. I don’t want my fear to be all they see when they look at me.

This rabbit-trail of thought has led me to wonder if I see other people the way I want to be seen. Do I consider other things people are good at and enjoy when I’m walking them through how the belay system works on our high ropes course at my job? Beyond work, do I look at the cashier at the grocery store and wonder if they have friends or family waiting for them at home? Do I consider if my coworker has been reading interesting books lately? Do I pass my neighbor on the sidewalk and ask if they saw last night’s sunset? I think I usually barely even notice them, much less think about how they are just as fully human as I am.

Shouldn’t I be taking the time to really see people the way I want to be seen — as completely, beautifully, painfully human?

How do we change our perspective to understand that everyone is just a person too? How do we remember that we’re all just doing the best we can? I think it starts by getting to know ourselves better. It seems counterintuitive, but the more time I spend getting to know myself, the more equipped I feel to see other people as human too.

There are a few simple ways we can spend more time with ourselves before spending time with others. Journaling and spending less time on social media have been huge factors in my journey to see other people the way I want to, because they change how I see myself. These ways are often over-recommended and under-explained. We know we should journal, but why is it so beneficial?

There’s a lot of science behind journaling that I’d like to dive into at a later date, but the simple answer is that when we journal, we take time to slow down and really process what we think and how we feel. If I’m considering an issue any bigger than what I want for dinner, writing down my logic, reasoning and emotion can be impactful steps to figuring out what I really believe and want in life. 

Spending less time on social media feels like an obvious suggestion, because we’ve all seen the countless studies about how damaging social media can be. But for me, when I spend less time on social media, I realize that I have different wants and needs than the people whose lives I follow via Instagram. Spending so much time watching how they live can confuse me on how I want to live. It sounds so silly, but it’s true. When I’m focused on my own life, my writing, my art, my love for nature and learning, I’m much happier, and I remember that other people are more than the curated versions I see online. Then, when I spend time with people offline, especially people I don’t know well, I feel more prepared to get to know them because I know myself better. It’s a beautiful cycle.

Spiritual leader Ram Dass once said, “We’re all just walking each other home.” I want to remember that my life’s work should be making the world a better place, and that starts by seeing people as fully human, the way I want to be seen. And maybe, one day I’ll learn to scuba dive.

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