It’s okay to be a burden

Whenever I need help, I feel hesitant to ask for it because I feel like I should be able to operate on my own, 100% of the time. Whether I’m teaching a new class and need to ask for clarification or advice, or confined to my room because I’m sick, I don’t want to cause trouble for anyone else, or take up anyone else’s time. Despite this feeling, I am always eager to help others when they ask for help. Why do I hesitate to let others do the same for me?

Instead of telling myself that asking for help doesn’t make me a burden — although there’s a strong argument for that as well — what if I told myself it’s okay to be a burden? After all, people are meant to take care of each other. You don’t have to be completely independent, and you certainly shouldn’t base your worth on how little you ask of others. We’re made to exist in communities. We have for centuries. That means asking for and giving help. Yeah, maybe you’re asking for a lot, but we all do from time to time.

Working with kids has made a huge difference in my perspective of myself and the grace we should be giving ourselves and each other. From time to time, I will have kids with disabilities in my classes. They often need extra attention, whether that’s simply listening as they talk, or adapting an entire class to fit their needs. For example, many of the classes I teach involve long hikes. If I have a student who uses a wheelchair, I will adapt that entire class to be in one location, or in a few accessible locations.

It’s a lot of work to adapt entire classes, but I’m always going to prioritize my students’ experience in the outdoors. It’s rewarding to see them enjoy their time outside, and to watch a kid realize they aren’t going to be left out just because of their disability. Every child deserves the care and attention it takes to make their experience wonderful.

Why would I deny myself the same care and attention? And why would I deny the people who care about me the opportunity to show me love as well?

Remember last March’s article, when I said you owe people kindness? People owe you kindness too! You deserve a community of people who care about you as much as you care about them.

I’ve read a lot of articles about loving yourself and prioritizing self-care — and I’ve written some too! But it can be hard to do the messy work of taking care of yourself alone. So if you’re struggling with loneliness, feeling like you’re not enough as you are or feeling like this self-care stuff is getting old, you’re not alone. Take heart in the idea that you aren’t meant to do it alone.

There’s a beautiful comic called “Foxes in Love” by Finnish artist Toivo Kaartinen, which has a panel that says, “Animals learn their most vital skill first. Hours old foal(s) can run, a newly hatched snake can bite. What do babies do? Babies cry. Your most important survival skill is asking for help.” 

So use it! Ask! And pay attention to who doesn’t help. Sometimes people are going through their own struggles and don’t have the space to help anyone else. Sometimes they already are helping others and are stretched thin. And sometimes people just aren’t on your team. It doesn’t mean they’re against you, it just means you need different people to rely on.

How do you ask for help? You have options. You can post on social media or send a group text —  something that gives people the opportunity to see your needs and respond if they can. It lessens the pressure on individuals who might not be able to help, even if they want to, and can cast the net for potential aids wider. But it also means you have to be willing to tell a broader audience about your need, and while there’s nothing wrong with that, it can make some people hesitant.

Instead, you could send a direct message or call a specific person. If you have people in your community that you know you can rely on, this could be a better option for you, especially if you know they will be honest about their availability and do what they can to help you without hurting themselves. If you have a friend who struggles setting boundaries, this may not be your ideal choice.

Both methods leave you open to rejection, it’s true. And while it’s possible that no one will respond, I find that people are much more willing to help than we give them credit for. I’m in some community Facebook groups and the amount of people who are willing to help a stranger when they ask always surprises and delights me.

The world is full of people hurting other people, but it’s also full of people helping other people. You just have to look a little harder to see them. And sometimes you have to ask for help before you see them, and trust that they will come.

The next time you find yourself struggling alone, whether it’s with a stubborn jar lid or the loss of a loved one, remind yourself that it’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to be a burden.