What you can do matters

I have recently decided to eliminate “you can do anything you set your mind to” from my repertoire of encouraging phrases. I don’t think it’s a terrible phrase, but I’ve decided it isn’t the angle I’m trying to take when I offer people positive words. 

I was raised with the phrase, and my parents’ belief in me certainly spurred me to aim high in life. I definitely don’t blame them for encouraging me and I am thankful I had parents supportive enough to do so. 

The issue is that the phrase is wrong. I can’t do anything, just because I set my mind to it. While, as adults, it may be easy to rebuff my claim with a, “well, of course the phrase means ‘anything within reasonable ability’.” No one thinks you mean I can fly if I jump off a roof or start speaking a language fluently that I’ve never studied. But consider the maturity of the child you’re speaking to. Do they understand nuance and assumptions? 

I work with kids a lot, and I’ve become more aware of how kids around the age of 10 interpret phrases used commonly by adults. Kids, in general, are very literal. They usually have the ability to understand when a phrase says one thing but means another — someone who wears their heart on their sleeve isn’t sewing an organ to their clothes — but these are usually phrases you have to explain to them before they understand. Do we take the time to explain the exceptions to the “rule” that they can do whatever they set their mind to? Do we make exceptions for disabilities? How are our kids supposed to know? Are we pushing our kids beyond what is healthy for them in the name of so-called “success?”

I see a lot of kids with autism and ADHD. They usually thrive in the environment where I am privileged to teach, and I usually give them time to get their wiggles out, provide things for them to interact with using most of their senses and I let them fidget, doodle or stand during class if they need to. We also hike a lot, which helps them focus when it is time to sit down. These unusual standards allow my autistic and ADHD students to learn in a new environment that usually works really well for their brain. But when they’re in their normal school classroom, their differences make it harder for them to succeed. 

Sitting still, staying quiet and focusing at a designated time, on a designated subject, just isn’t always possible for these kids. Do we exclude these standards when we say they are capable of anything they set their mind to? Or do we expect them to “power through” a neurological difference for the sake of arbitrary rules?

What about physical disabilities? My students who use mobility aids can’t just decide to stop needing them. Does this adage not apply to them?

Why are we stuck on cliche and inaccurate phrase, when we could be saying something else entirely?

What about this: “what you can do matters.”

I may never be able to do certain things because of the way my brain or body work. And that doesn’t mean I’m not trying hard enough, it just means that I, like everyone else, have a unique set of skills, interests and abilities. What I am capable of matters. I add value to the world, regardless of my skill set or ability.

Our kids shouldn’t feel like their value depends on their capabilities — and neither should we. Let’s stop internalizing the idea that our worth is directly correlated to our productivity and start recognizing that we’re important because we exist.

The next time you’re tempted to repeat the phrase, “you can do anything you set your mind to,” try telling yourself that you are valuable exactly as you are, no strings attached.