This is an opinion column. Originally published at inlovewithtoday.blogspot.com
A few days ago, a friend of mine passed away. Earlier this year, my grandfather on my mom’s side passed away. Last November, my grandfather on my dad’s side passed away. In 2019, another friend. In 2018, my uncle.
Grief seems to follow us around during the holidays. It clings like smog and chokes our lungs. Even when it isn’t your first holiday without them, you miss the people you love even more when the trees and wreaths go up, when the hot chocolate and cider comes out. We prioritize spending time with those we love so much that grief points a heavy finger at the emptiness now dwelling inside us.
I have many people I love and who love me. My heart is heavy at Christmastime because it is so full. It strains with the weight of empty chairs and voices absent in conversation.
I do not believe love stops when someone dies. I continue loving them, even when they are not with me. Picturing it as if they have gone on a trip helps me. I believe I will see them again. Their absence will not last forever. I have said goodbye only temporarily. And my love for them follows them on their journey, as their love for me remains close to me here at home.
Audiences were captivated by the line in “WandaVision” when the character Vision says, “What is grief, if not love persevering?”
I think that line gave many of us the words we needed to express how we feel.
A favorite of mine:
“And when I turned to face grief, I saw that it was just love in a heavy coat.” -Shannon Barry
And another, from Glennon Doyle Melton:
“Grief is love’s souvenir. It’s our proof that we once loved. Grief is the receipt we wave in the air that says to the world: Look! Love was once mine. I loved well. Here is my proof that I paid the price.”
Some of us grieve with regret. That’s okay. In time, you can learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes, and theirs too. You can learn from your errors and trust that the people you grieve forgive you. Take what they taught you, and show someone else even more love, the love you have inherited because of the ones you lost. Your yearning heart is safe here.
Some of us grieve with confusion, because we didn’t know we would feel like this about losing them. Perhaps you’ve lost someone that you weren’t particularly close to, whose loss won’t change your day-to-day, but you are still deeply saddened by their death. Or you lost someone who had hurt you deeply and you don’t understand how you feel about it at all. That’s okay. Your feelings are valid. Your wounded heart is safe here.
Some of us grieve with relief, because seeing their suffering carved trenches in our hearts and we are glad they are not in pain anymore. And then, perhaps, we grieve with guilt, because should we not have wished them life without pain, instead of merely death? Dear friend, you have done nothing wrong by wishing comfort for those you love. Your caring heart is safe here.
Some of us grieve with silence, because we lost them so long ago, many of those we love in the present don’t know or remember that we are hurting. It’s okay to tell them. It’s okay to need time and space. Grief doesn’t evaporate or trickle away. Your aching heart is safe here.
“An immeasurable tragedy: I will love you for the rest of my life and you will not be here for any of it.” -Chloe Frayne
I have grieved by screaming, crying and ranting. I have grieved by weeping silently and by shedding no tears at all. By smiling and pretending like all was well because it allowed me to forget what I’d lost. By listening to others grieve. By sharing memories. By writing poetry. By laughing. By holding space for the vast expanse of love and loss. I will continue to grieve for the rest of my life. I am still making peace with that.
I want to mention that I have had the help of a therapist as I navigate these waters. Therapy taught me that seemingly-conflicting emotions can coexist and that’s okay. I can grieve with pain, hope, sadness, joy, peace, confusion, regret and relief. Grief is a universal experience. It’s okay to ask for help.
“How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” -A.A. Milne
When you are ready, you can step into a season where you look at grief as a beautiful gift. It is the remaining love we can no longer share with the person we’ve lost. How lucky I am to have had someone who made me feel so special and loved. Don’t rush this season. You’ll know when it’s time.
Grief is not easy. It does not follow a rulebook or map, and you can’t reason your way out of it. But you can navigate it. And you can learn to live with loss, one day at a time. Just breathe.
Your healing heart is welcome here.
